I think it's magical

from 8/15/25

I think it's magical
listening to music
and how certain songs can
transport you to different places
or different times in your life
and how it can feel
like you're really there

I was out recently
getting a drink with a dear friend
and there was music playing
but not loud enough
to really be noticed
through the energy in the room
and through our conversation

But at one point
as I was washing my hands
in the quiet of the bathroom
a song came on
and I was pulled
through time and space
to when I was 12 or 13
or I wonder
if maybe that me
was brought to the present

And I stood there for a little while
listening to One Headlight
and unbidden, tears filled my eyes
not because of the song itself
but because it's a kind of marker
to a very specific
time in my life

And I felt all the things
my younger self had felt
all those years ago
and I thought about him
and how hard it was at times
and how the stakes
always felt so high
and how you can be so young
and feel so much pressure
and angst and stress
and how things that should
maybe just remain trivial
can so significantly shape
how you feel inside
and not just for a time
but how those feelings
can carry on with you
for the rest of your life

And I hadn't expected it
but I cried there
in the bathroom
for him
because those were the years
he began to feel so overwhelmed
and so negative
those were the years
he began to shut down
feeling as though
everything inside and out
was all too much

But he carried on
trying so hard
to make it seem
like everything was fine
like he wasn't hurting
and broken
and slowly fading away
but he went through what he did
and to him, the stakes were high
and everything mattered
and I haven't been easy on him
and I don't love
what we've brought with us
from back then
the difficult things
I still have to sit with
but I've grown to love him
and have compassion
because I know
more than any other
how much he hurt
and how hard he tried.

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