My Relationship to Feeling

from 10/13/25

In the course of my life
I’ve not been very curious
about how much
I allow myself to feel
or not feel
but over the past few years
I’ve tried to understand
what’s going on inside of me
or what might not be
and I’ve learned
that it has felt easier
to shut down
and not feel
because feeling was just too much
especially any negative feeling
and so I kind of chose
an internal experience
that felt non-existent
or anxious or self-critical
It’s like my options could be
boiled down to these few:
feel so much self-hate
or the overwhelm that
can come with life
or feel nothing at all,
and mostly I prefer the last
because the others are large
and consuming
and at times
were more present than I’d like

and yet
here I am
even as I sit
and write
and listen to music,
welcoming feeling,
whatever may come—
anxiety, worry, insecurity,
sadness, anger, hope,
delight, loss, love,
and so much more,
and what I thought
would continue to feel
overwhelming
has really felt
like a beautiful coming home
The feelings can be a lot
but by letting them exist
I think I’m letting go
of some exhausting attempt
to shut down and control
and now my life
is beginning to feel
as if it’s full
of so much color,
every bright
and vibrant shade
along with every gray

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