The Shade and the Monster

From 9/12/25

Sadness and anger

exist in the back

of my heart and soul

and mind

like a shade and

a monster

somehow separate

and yet equally intertwined

and they hide

or rather

parts of me keep them

from really being,

from showing themselves

unless I do something

that those parts think is wrong

and the monster overwhelms me

with days or weeks or months

of hidden rage

Or the shade shows up

as unrelenting tears

in my eyes

when something outside myself

feels like too much,

like all my defenses to not see

the heartache around me

no longer work

and sadness has to come

as anguish and

despair

And either response

from this monster or shade

feels like a complete

breaking down

of all the things that

try so desperately

to hold me together

to maintain an unfazed and

peaceful existence,

but an existence without much

presence or feeling

And so I journey,

not around but in

and through

and I’m trying

to let sadness out

when anything would

have me cry

and I’m trying to shorten

the distance

between a thing that happens

and the anger I feel from it

so that I don’t turn the anger inward,

so I don’t harm myself

And it’s been a difficult journey

discovering and trying to name

these things in me

and how they relate

and the different ways they behave

But slowly

over time

I’m learning

to not feel ashamed of

the tears in my eyes

and I’m learning to notice my anger

and to share it when I feel it

and let it simply exist,

not letting it build in the dark

until it comes out sideways and

I can’t control it

And in it all

I’m learning to be gentle

and kind and

compassionate toward

the ways I learned to behave

or I felt I needed to behave

I’m learning to look back

on my life and

my younger selves

with love and compassion

I’m learning to be grateful

for all the parts of me

and all their trying

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