I decided to go skating today
And I just stopped to take a break
To write and process
What I'm feeling
Because I'm almost always
More open and vulnerable
To whatever feelings
Or memories I need to access
After I've exhausted myself
Through exercise
And today has been no different
The two ponds I skate around
Long black-top covered ovals
That overlap in a sort of figure eight
Have a short offshoot that connects
To the end of a street
And I've skated and walked by that street
Many times before
Sometimes, with my family
Sometimes, like today
On my own
And I've always known
That the street must be very close
To where I grew up
And as I skated by today
Something pulled me toward it
So as I passed
I stole a glance
At the small green street sign
It wasn't just close
To where I grew up
It was the end of the very street
Where I lived nearly half my life
I probably knew that
Someplace deep inside
But I just wanted to avoid it
I've mostly avoided
Visiting that neighborhood
Or even thinking about it
Since I left it
In my early twenties
Because of all the feelings
It stirs up within me
But today felt different
Today, I think it called to me
Some sort of old companion
That I wasn't sure I was ready to face
Or something deep inside me
Some inner knowing
Told me I needed to go there
After skating by it
Unsure I wanted to listen
To this prompting
I slowed and turned around
And found myself
Skating toward the street
And then down its entirety
To where my old house still sits
And I moved over the concrete
Over all the streets I used to skate
And bike on
The streets where I used to play
Where everything was somehow
More simple
But still felt so very serious
To my little heart and mind
There was play
And yet, sometimes
The stakes seemed so high
This was the place where, as I aged
The lows felt so very low
And less often
The highs felt so high
And as I passed over this area
That's somehow as familiar and different
As I have become
I was (and still am as I write this)
Completely overwhelmed
Mostly thinking of my younger selves
And the proximity
Of those around me
Of those that shaped me most
And the many relationships made and lost
Of laughter in yards
Of touch football
And tag
And the neighborhood pool
And the creek we used to play in
And the room
Where I grew up
That changed as I grew older
Where I would so quietly cry
Where my life continued to be shaped
And somehow felt harder
To hold on to
And make sense of
And I wonder if that's so much so
Because my self felt harder
To make sense of
And hold on to
And even now
I can't quite come close
To understanding
All the conflicting feelings
Happening inside me
And I've tried for so long
To defend against
To avoid
And leave behind
All the big feelings
That are constantly
Creeping up inside
And yet, here I sit
On a beautiful day
The wind in my face
And tears in my eyes
And somehow it feels
Like I just had to contend with
Every part of me
That existed from age 5 to 21
And I feel such a tension
And desire to flee from it all
But I also feel
An equally strong desire
To stay
And let all the feelings
Wash over me
And linger
To sit for a while
With those younger parts of me
Those parts that feel at times
So beautiful and devastating
Because it all felt more simple
But the stakes were still so high
And I wish I could hold
Each part of me in turn
And let each younger me
Rest his head on my shoulder
And tell them all
One at time that
"One day
Everything will feel so lost
And so overwhelming and dark
And yet
A small part of you (of us)
Will feel a tiny flame of hope
Way down
Deep inside
And when it feels so dark
Just know
That I won't simply give up
Or give in
I'll find some way
In my own way
To show up
And fight
To contend with what was
And what is
And I'll find some way
To unlock to myself
And those in my life
And I'll begin to unfold
And live intentionally
I'll find some way
To trust and to love us
To let that little flame grow
And we
Will begin to shine."